Depression. We have all experienced it, in one form or another. Temporarily, or for a longer period of time. I can't stop but think, who would I be without it? How much would I have been able to accomplish without it? It's the same as being born with a disability - being blind, having no legs. Yes, I may trigger some people by calling it a disability. Keep in mind Im writing from a pessimistic point of view. I haven't gotten to the "turning point where one realises it is not a DISability - yet a POSSibility." Maybe I will one day see the benefits , if there are some. Im not sure if its something that actually turns into something better or if one simply cannot benefit from seeing things one cannot change as something limiting. How can one abuse, manipulate the negative that has been given to us an shape it to something actually good? One day I might know. For now, Im stuck like this. Clueless. Alone. Remaking the same pity mistakes I always do. Feeling bad for myself. Am I doing what I want to do with my life? Why can't I work properly? What the HELL is wrong with me?? I can't get out. I don't know day from night. Im always tired, no matter how much I sleep. I watch as my life - my dreams, responsibilities and people I love just pass me by. As Im holding myself stuck, unable to get anywhere. Unable to move. How do I get out... I have to give myself cred though. I HAVE tried. The system DID fail me (however quirky and rebellious that may sound). But it did. And probably has for many more. You can't feed the youth pills whenever they come with problems and expect them to shut up. You can't give a gun to a shooter, a knife to a murderer or a pig to a butcher and expect it to be no murder taking place. Wether that be literal or symbolically. As Im trying my best to do something useful with myself, just barely holding on. I don't WANT to always BARELY be able to hold on. Im always on an edge. I HATE to live like that! When does MY life start? HOW am I supposed to feel any hope at all when I know Im stuck with this- statistically speaking for the majority of my life?? How do I learn to live with it? And WHY DONT I GET ANY HELP? Why am I being ignored by the society Im killing myself over to fit in and be useful to?? I know Im not doing myself any good, I need to accept the fact that no one is coming. No-one is going to help, no one will give a reaching hand. Yes, I have a hard time actually accept the fact that THAT is what this world is. Not very agreeable on that part. However, I don't want to just be getting by as I have. I want to enjoy life. To live. I haven't figured that out YET, and, forcing myself with all my strength to write this - one day I WILL have it figured out.
